Is someone I'm dating manipulating me?

You can’t know for certain what someone intends, but you can see what keeps happening when you hold a limit. If the pattern leaves you doubting your memory, giving up time you usually guard, or apologizing for having a life, take it seriously, whatever their reasons turn out to be. In your 40s, with a full life already built, the clearest test is whether yours is getting smaller to fit them.

What does manipulation look like early on?

Meet Carmen. She’s 41, was just made a partner at her accounting firm, has never been married, and spends one Saturday a month helping her brother with his food truck. Her free time is Sunday afternoon, and she likes it that way.

Seven weeks ago she met Victor, 44, at a friend’s fortieth. He was wonderful, and fast: good-morning texts, long calls, a plan for a weekend away by week three. When Carmen said Sundays were what she had for now, things shifted. He said he guessed he wasn’t a priority. Then he asked her to share her location ‘so I know you got home safe.’ Last week, when she mentioned he’d agreed to keep things slow, he said she was remembering it wrong, and that she always gets defensive.

None of that proves anything about Victor. People get hurt, and people misremember. But Carmen is now spending her Sundays managing his feelings and her weekday evenings replaying conversations. That’s worth paying attention to.

Is a lot of early attention a warning sign?

Not on its own. Excitement is allowed. In one study of 484 college students, researchers at the University of Arkansas looked at a pattern they called “love-bombing,” which they defined as excessive communication early in a relationship aimed at gaining power and control.1 It was linked with narcissistic tendencies, insecure attachment and lower self-esteem, and with more texting inside the relationship.1

That’s a correlation in students, not a way to diagnose the person texting you good morning. The useful part for Carmen is the definition: the issue isn’t how much attention there is. It’s whether the attention comes with strings. The tell usually shows up later, when you keep your own pace. Someone who is simply keen adjusts. Someone using attention as leverage tends to pull it back, or make you pay for the limit.

What is gaslighting, really?

The word gets used for every disagreement. In research it means something narrower. Sociologist Paige Sweet interviewed women who had survived domestic violence and argued that gaslighting becomes powerful when someone uses stereotypes and inequalities against a partner to make their reality look unreliable.2 Think of ‘you’re too emotional’ or ‘you always get defensive,’ used to make your account of events stop counting.

One ‘you’re remembering it wrong’ is a disagreement. A steady run of them, especially when you can point to the text that shows otherwise, is a pattern. You don’t need to label it to act on it.

What about checking in and sharing locations?

Plenty of people share locations happily. The question is whether it’s offered or required. In a Monash University national survey of 4,562 Australian adults, monitoring and controlling behaviors were the most common type of technology-facilitated abuse, and the most common setting was a current or former intimate relationship.3 A request is fine. Sulking or pressure until you agree is not.

What if you haven’t met in person?

Then the rules are simpler, and it’s a common place to be. In a Pew Research Center survey, 38% of 30- to 49-year-olds said they had used a dating site or app at some point.4 In 2022, nearly 70,000 people reported a romance scam to the Federal Trade Commission, with $1.3 billion in reported losses.5 The most common story was a friend or relative who was sick, hurt or in jail and needed money.5 Any money request from someone you haven’t met is a stop.

How do you sort it out?

Use a four-line split:

• What happened: ‘I said Sundays. He said he’s not a priority, and later that I misremembered.’
• The reading: ‘He’s trying to make me feel guilty.’
• The fear: ‘If I push back, I’ll lose him, or I’ll find out I’m the difficult one.’
• The next step: state the limit once, clearly, and watch what he does over the next month.

What to do this week

• Ask once, clearly. ‘Sundays are what I have right now. I’d love to see you this one.’ Then stop explaining.
• Watch what they do next. Do they make the most of the time, or punish you for the limit?
• Keep your own notes. A line or two after hard conversations, the same day.
• Keep your life the size it was. Friends, family Saturdays, your work. If those start shrinking, notice it.
• Look at a month, not a week. One bad night is a night. Four Sundays of the same thing is a pattern.

Who can help you think it through?

A friend who knows you well is a good first reality check. A licensed therapist can help you sort your own patterns from theirs. If you feel afraid, monitored or pressured, the National Domestic Violence Hotline listed below this article talks with people who aren’t sure what’s going on, and that’s a fine reason to call.

What doesn’t the research show?

• The early-attention study used college students, and it shows correlations, not intent.1
• The gaslighting research is based on interviews with survivors of domestic violence, not people a few weeks into dating.2
• The technology abuse survey was Australian, and covers all ages and relationship types.3
• The Pew figure is from a report published in 2020 and groups everyone from 30 to 49, so it shows how common meeting online is, not how often it goes wrong.4
• The FTC figures are reported cases, so they show the common stories, not every scam.5
• None of it can tell you what Victor, or anyone you’re seeing, intends. It can help you watch what they do when you keep your own life.